Dear People of the Gym.
Let’s chat for a moment, shall we? There are some very specific do’s and don’ts of gym etiquette that I think we should take a moment to discuss. We all signed a contract agreeing to spend time together in this building, but if we could agree on some rules, the hour or so we spend together could be a much more enjoyable 60 minutes out of our day.
For example, old lady in the locker room, could we limit the amount of time that you walk around without a shirt on to like a minute? Two tops? I’m sure you were something to look at once upon a time, but gravity may have taken it’s toll a little bit. Also do you see how the rest of us are facing our lockers while we change and not making eye contact. It might be a good idea to do the same.
To the loud grunters, did you ever think that maybe that thing you are picking up is too heavy? You should not have to grunt that loudly. A little grunt or snort is ok, but if you sound like you are hosting a wild pig fight in your area, maybe drop the weight a little bit. That can’t be healthy.
To the girl who thinks she is a backup dancer for Brittany Spears in Zumba class. Girlfriend, where is the rest of your shirt? A sports bra is fine to wear to class, but you look like you are getting ready to headline in Vegas. Also, who wears their hair down to work out? I’m going to need you to stay in your little spot and stop flipping your hair in my face. This is ZUMBA CLASS, not the VMA’s. Take it down like ten notches.
To the people who don’t wipe the seats after they are done on a machine. I can see your butt sweat after you get up and that is disgusting. Please don’t make me wipe that off before I sit down.
To the guy who raps while riding the stationary bike. I promise you, you are not getting an adequate workout if you can rap all the lyrics to whatever Kendrick Lamar song you are listening to in your earbuds. P.S. you have earbuds for a reason. Maybe enjoy the lyrics silently in your head. You are not Kendrick Lamar.
To the people who take gym selfies while on the cardio machines or in the locker room. Please just stop. It is so so weird and all I really want to do is photobomb you. Taking a progress picture of yourself in the mirror is alright, but an actual duck-face selfie is too too much.
To the people who think it is appropriate to strike up small talk while I’m in the middle of a workout. LEAVE ME ALONE. I have headphones on for a reason. I am cranky because I don’t like to work out. I’m sweating and I don’t like to be dirty. And the last thing I want to do is talk to you about the weather or listen to you blabber on about how I could maximize my workout if I do XYZ. If I wanted your opinion on either, I promise you I would ask. Don’t talk to me.
I’m not a mean person, people of the gym. I just want to come here and burn off a few calories in peace without sitting in other people’s sweat or being flashed by Great-Grandma boobies. If we can’t agree on these few simple rules, just know that you are probably the subjects of a lot of people’s Snapchat stories. If you’re alright with that, then keep on doing you.